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News You Can't Use: This Week in Fake News; Posted 8 months, 1 weeks ago by Sarah

It’s time once again for News You Can’t Use! When things get a little dull in the video game industry, Gamervision is there to spice things up. These exclusive and breaking stories will blow you mind! They may not be real, but don’t let that stop you from enjoying them. Hell, they could be true tomorrow. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!

Awesome News!
Peter Molyneux Says a Bunch of Stuff

With Peter Molyneux’s supposed masterpiece Fable 2 well on its way, the man known for shooting off his mouth has decided to do… well, just that. In a recent press conference that didn’t actually happen, Peter stated that he was so confident in Fable 2, it would sell “a gazillion trillion copies” within the first day of release, and that major video game reviewers would have to create a new scoring system just to rate this game highly enough. He also promised that the game would totally, definitely not be delayed, and then added this: “Fable 2 is going to be the best thing ever seen by humans. It’s going to be so amazing it will literally put you in a coma.” Wow! Can’t wait!

News to the Max!!!!
Atari Lynx Tops Hardware Charts

This may be a little surprising, given that Nintendo has been ruling the video game hardware sales with an iron fist for as long as anyone can remember. However, Atari has recently undergone some changes in order to once again be a contender in the console market. Their first move under new president Phil Harrison was an aggressive marketing campaign to revive the Atari Lynx, a handheld system originally released in the late 1980s that some uninformed fools thought to be dead.

The move proved to be a smart one, as the Lynx has come back hardcore and topped hardware charts this February. With 1,849, 567 units sold, the Atari Lynx is the comeback kid of this generation. Who needs a touch screen when you can have one of these bad boys?

The News Story Everyone Will Be Talking About Today!!!!!!!
Jack Thompson Plays Games, Enjoys Them

Are we all familiar with Florida lawyer Jack Thompson, the enemy of gamers everywhere? His pointless crusades against video game violence have led leading psychiatrists to determine that he is somewhat insane, as well as being mildly illiterate. In a recent attention-grabbing stunt caused by five minutes of not being mentioned in the media, Jack Thompson decided to stop into his local GameStop and check out some games on display.

According to our top-secret super source, Thompson stayed there until the store closed, playing the same five-minute demos over and over again. When he was politely asked to leave, Thompson filed lawsuits against the store manager, some customers that happened to be in the store, GameStop, and your mom. He returned the next day to pick up an Xbox 360 and a PS3, and then sued Nintendo when he couldn’t find a Wii.

Earlier today, he released a grammatically incorrect press release about his discovery. Roughly translated, it read:

“Wow, I have really been a huge jackass. Video games are a lot of fun and a good way to relieve stress. After playing about 10 straight hours of Call of Duty 4, I have absolutely no urge to kill anyone. I can’t wait to play Viva Pinata!”

Best News Ever, No For Real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LucasArts Announces Next-Gen Maniac Mansion

And finally, the announcement we have all been waiting for! Fifteen years after the release of Day of the Tentacle, LucasArts has announced that a third game in the Maniac Mansion series. The game, Maniac Mansion: The Hamster’s Revenge, will see the return of all of the original characters, as well as the new ones introduced in Day of the Tentacle. According to LucasArts, the game is in development now and will be a holiday season 2009 release for the Xbox 360 and PS3. Better reserve it now!