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Doom. Resident Evil. Super Mario Brothers. Bloodrayne. Silent Hill. Mortal Kombat. Street Fighter. Wing Commander. Final Fantasy. Tomb Raider. House of the Dead. What do all of these movies have in common? Aside from the obvious, there are several things that all of these movies share: poor or mediocre directors, bad storylines, one-dimensional characters, plots that careen past fantasy and venture out into ludicrousness, etc... In fact, I think that it's safe to say that there has yet to be a movie based on a video game that can stand up to any critical viewing at all. Why is it that video game movies are so staggeringly awful? And keep in mind that when I say awful, I mean mind-numbingly, bone-jarringly, want-to-punch-yourself-in-the-balls-till-you-pass-out-in-a-swimming-pool bad. Granted, there are movies that are often subject to personal taste. Horror, comedy, action, can all be altered drastically to suit different people's preferences. No one likes video game movies. NO ONE! Although come to think of it, there are two types of people who like them: the wacky, quirky, pop-culture referencing cretins, staring vacantly at old Nickelodeon reruns while im-ing their friends Family Guy quotes, and the sideways hat wearing, matching sweat suit, dirt mustache, pale-faced, piece of average white trash who thinks Tokyo Drift is high cinema. The first group likes these movies purely out of nostalgia. These are the games they played a million years ago, man! When they were, uh, 13. And the other group? Probably the most influential group of consumers in America. Again, why does each movie based on a video game suck more than Harvey Fierstein dressed as a Dyson vaccuum on Halloween in a bathhouse? Harvey Fierstein, you're not one of those silly men dressed up as a woman, are you? Personally, I think that when a studio agrees to make a movie based on a video game, they're basing their judgment on the idea of a built-in audience. The producers figure people will automatically see a movie that has the same name and plot as their favorite game. There's no need to make the movie any good, because what the hell does a suburban white male age 12-25 know? Asses in seats, gentlemen, asses in seats! That's the bottom line. Another major reason why game movies blow harder than Bill O'Reilly after a chili and cabbage eating contest is, unfortunately, video game plots are usually one-note, half-baked concoctions that serve to prepare the gamer for all of the shooting. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a picture of Bill O'Reilly with the thumbs up like all the other studs on this page. So, this'll have to do. It's no surprise that video games often put the bulk of the story in the cutscenes, when people are more interested in resting their eyes than watching a decent story. And really, when you think about it, video game plots are usually based off the favorite movies of the video game writers. Think about the sundry movie references in your favorite games. I'm sure you can find 'em. How can a movie based on a game not be derivative when the game is based on another movie itself? So, it's no wonder that these movies crash harder than Dale Earnhardt. Earnhardt, man. The Legend. Combined with played storylines and execs who spend 10 times the budget allowed for a writing team that they did for the special effects, video game movies are usually directed by filmmakers with absolutely no vision or artistic talent whatsoever. Let's take a look at the lineup: Andrzej Bartkowiak: Directed Doom, Cradle 2 the Grave, Romeo Must Die, and Exit Wounds Paul W.S. Anderson: Directed Resident Evil AND Mortal Kombat, in addition to Alien vs. Predator (another video game movie I forgot about, although it might have been a comic first) Rocky Morton and Annabel Jankel: Directed Super Mario....wait, who??? Uwe Boll: Directed House of the Dead and Bloodrayne. He sucks. I don't even want to talk about him. Hope he doesn't challenge me to a fight. Uwe showing his fans something else I can shove up his ass besides my size 13 boot. Simon West: Directed Tomb Raider, which mightily blew. But he also did Con Air. I guess this guy's okay. Where's the movie going to go when the director is a total hack? And yes, you could argue that if the story is derivative and the financial control of the film's production is stifling, then the director is already dead in the water. To this I say, do you think there's never been a director who had to deal with a ridiculous plot and slack-jawed producers and turned out a kick-ass movie anyway? I'm sure that there has been. As new as video games are, movies based on video games are even newer. Hopefully they will mature over time into just another genre: instead of all of them being awful, I'll only want to punch myself in the nuts 70% of the time. Next Week: How to make video games better. And a written apology to NASCAR fans.

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