blog

Great.  Another PSP firmware update.  What’s that you say?  Company X has a new head of development.  Come again? You say Nintendo posted record profits this quarter?  Fascinating!  No, wait, what’s the other word…tedious.  That’s it.

Other than good, solid info on upcoming games, video game news tends to lean towards boring-as-hell.  That’s why I’ve decided to make my own news.  Screw facts.  Facts are for nerds and Frenchmen.  My job is to keep you reading and coming back, regardless of how “true” it may or may not be.  


BREAKING NEWS!
Activision announces Video Game Hero

Based on the success they’ve had letting gamers pretend to play guitar, Activision has announced their next new gaming phenomenon: Video Game Hero!  VGH will allow players to simulate actually playing video games from the comfort of their own home.  You thought pretending to be an axe-slinging guitar god was fun?  Imagine the thrill of pretending to be a 32-year old unemployed virgin living in his mom’s basement!  What could be more intense?!  The game will be playable with all new controllers, including simulated versions of a 2-liter Mountain Dew bottle, a bag of Funyuns and a girlfriend.  The girlfriend controller is separate and will cost $850,000.00.

SHATTERING NEWS!!
Star Wars: Force Unleashed gets yet another engine

We all know about Star Wars: The Force Unleashed’s amazing integration between the Havok physics engine, the Euphoria behavior engine and the Digital Molecular Matter engine, but today, Lucasarts announced another engine that will be running in the game.  Known as the Groove engine, this piece of middleware will determine the emotional state of enemies in the game.  As an example, all Stormtroopers will lack the necessary self-confidence to shoot straight, use squad tactics or ask that hot little communications officer out for a night out at the Max Rebo concert.  Likewise, all rebel troops will feel a false sense of certainty in their righteousness, causing them to rush gleefully to their impending doom.  They will also feel a strong hankering for pecan pie, though it’s unknown how this will affect game play.  Sadly, an inherent bug in the system causes all combatants to feel a strong urge to dance with each other, as is shown in the following video:

EXPLODING TOXIC NEWS OF DOOM!!!
Electronic Arts buys Ubisoft, Activision, many more

In a press conference today, gaming giant EA announced it would be taking several steps forward in its “Dominate the Galaxy” initiative by buying up Ubisoft, Activision, Majesco, Sanyo, Mountain Dew, Pemmican Beef Jerky, Childrens’ Hospital of Philadelphia, the University of Montana, the London Philharmonic Orchestra, Walgreens, the nation of El Salvador, the Esperanto language, gravity, the color orange and your mom.  Said an EA statement about the mega-merger, “We realized that there were several thing in the world that we didn’t own.  That simply couldn’t stand.”  The deal will make EA the world’s largest corporation, eclipsing AOL/Time Warner, Vivendi/Universal, Mobil/Exxon and even the Sheinhardt Wig Company.  Future EA acquisitions could include Nabisco, Chik Fil ‘A, the U.S. Navy, the Caspian Sea, happiness, U-Haul and Neptune.  

Share this article: