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Exciting times are ahead, true believers. Take heed as a new era dawns upon you. An era of amazement, bewilderment and intrigue. Here, now, begins the bold new direction of what you once knew as the New Adventures of Throwback Thursday. From this day forth, NAoTT shall heretofore be known as:

THROW IT BACK! THURSDAY.
A column in which we go to the comic shop, reach blindly into the $1 bins, and say, “What the sh!t were they thinking?”

This week, I bring you a look at THE RAY #1.

1994. A banner year for terrible comics. Though I’m sure something good came from this dark period nearly 15 years ago, I still haven’t found it. THE RAY #1 is no exception. Written by Christopher Priest and drawn by the person pretending to be Howard Porter, this “stellar” first issue does little to make me want to seek out the second issue.

The character, the Ray, is set up as an everyman. He’s down on his luck, but inherits an incredible gift to change the world. Too bad sounding out the words written on the page makes me want to punch babies. The sad thing is, I actually like Priest’s later work (THE CREW, QUANTUM AND WOODY, BLACK PANTHER), but this… this is something else entirely.
His dialogue reads as if someone from the future came to 1994 (a la TERMINATOR time bubble), went to a mall with some kind of futuristic sound wave recorder, followed a group of mallrat teens around, reported back to the future (a la 12 MONKEYS), and then his future self wrote a terribly clichéd story filled with what he, and his limited sample of the times, claimed to be authentic dialogue.
No real person ever talked like this. If someone you know ever did, or does now, please, slap the parents for having sex.

Apparently Howard Porter broke his drawing hand when he was working on the Ray. Or at least that’s the way the art looks this issue. While still passable, Porter’s art on his historic run of JLA with Grant Morrison blows this time capsule away. Yes, the run on JLA came only 2 years later in his career, but geez, the differences between the two styles make it seem as if it wasn’t even the same guy.

If you were wondering about the plot, which was hidden somewhere in this issue (I just had a tough time finding it), the Ray has trouble finding an apartment, so he goes to Hawaii with his brother to save the Brady’s from the tiki curse, and inadvertently kills Superboy while fighting over who got to hula with Marsha.

Just so you guys know, the editor describes THE RAY as the SEINFELD of comics. I wouldn’t believe it either if the same editor didn't print a long diatribe in the letters column.

FINAL VERDICT: Throw it Back!.

One last thing, in case you haven’t heard, there are FREE COMICS to be had. We’re trying to help you out here. Who turns down free stuff? I mean, really.