Capcom has announced that they will be bringing a game tie-in to Resident Evil Degeneration to next-generation consoles. Wait, did I say next-generation consoles? I meant the N-Gage, the failed cell phone platform that no one owns anymore. It was explained by Takeshi Tezuka, the general manager for Capcom's mobile division, that "We believe that the platform is an excellent home for some of our most famous franchises and our dedication to quality and creative thinking has seen us create a unique game with stunning visuals and in-depth gameplay, never before seen on the mobile."

For anyone who doesn’t know, the N-Gage has a one-inch screen and requires you to take the battery out to change games. No one owns them, they suck, and this doesn’t make any goddamned sense. No one can possibly be excited for this! Actually, I imagine there is one person, sitting at home and polishing his mediocre cell phone and admiring his Leon Kennedy action figures. You, nonexistent character I made up, this is your day.

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