Some of you may know that we here at Gamervision love computers. Some of us (Timmy) have an unhealthy relationship with our computer…claiming that we are talking to our Canadian model girlfriends when we should be playing WoW with our friends. Computers make our lives better and more porn filled. In an ode to those Computer Cowboys out there who also love all things computer and lolsy, I've compiled a list of the greatest computer hackers of all time.
Keep in mind that these are all real people and not people from movies…and by that I mean, they're all from movies. For me, most of these characters seemed to possess super human abilities in computering. They were like samurai who knew only how to live for themselves in a new digital realm. I wanted them to train me in their ways, to become their apprentice in this new world of secrets and vandalism (it makes you cool!). I yearned to take the digital cricket out of their pixellated 8 bit hands. I wanted to stay up with them drinking Surge and eating Pixie Sticks…hacking the night away. So lets get started shall we?
Maggie Madsen: Transformers'ses's Australian Chick
Australians aren't usually known for their computing skills. In fact, they aren't really known for much else other than the apocalypse and giant delicious cans of beer. I am happy to say that an Aussie made the Hall of Fame…and she's a relatively attractive chick (passive aggressive?)! I've only seen this movie a total of 2 times (35 times), and from what I remember her character does really nothing except give dorks something to fap to when they go back home to their mothers' basements. At one point, she has to determine who is hacking into the Department of Defense's (TEC) computers. She then deduces that since the computers are being hacked so quickly, that it must be aliens. THEN, she tells this to the Department of Defense with little to no proof…genius. However, it turns out she was right (shrugs). I actually somewhat enjoyed her and her other side characters from this movie. I think they added a little more depth to the story and would have liked to have seen them in the sequel. Unfortunately for Maggie, she doesn't even seem to make it to the end of the first movie. She sort of disappears into some sort of Hacker Abyss never to be seen or heard from again. Rumor has it she is buried in the north end zone of Giant's Stadium along with Jimmy Hoffa and the real Maltese Falcon…
Theo (Die Hard)
Do you know how I know Die Hard is the greatest movie ever made? This character is in it, he's amazing, and NOBODY ever talks about him. Theo is the glasses wearing, quietly obnoxious computer hacker who assists Hans Gruber in his diabolical plan to steal monopoly money from Godzilla Corp. Theo doesn't move location in this movie, he doesn't shoot anyone, and he lets the white man boss him around (Nazi white man)…and he's still a bad ass. You can't help but eagerly anticipate him cracking that safe with his mad h4xing abilities…Also, he uses a giant drill! He knows how to old school HAX as well?!??! Hire this man. The character is played by Clarence Gilyard Jr, an actor who, with that kind of name, should probably be winning like 57 Oscars. Browsing his IMDB you will see that, before Die Hard, 1987 was a good set up year for him. Clarence was featured in episodes of Simon and Simon, 227, and The Facts of Life. Slooooow down Clarence, save some roles for the rest of us! He was also call sign "Sundown" in Top Gun where he can be seen at the Top Gun graduation pimpin' on da hoes. I can only assume he learned all of his hacking knowledge from his father, Clarence Gilyard Sr. This character has some pretty memorable one liners in Die Hard, and that's saying something for a character who's only purpose is to create time for the plot to unfold. Clarence would later pal around with Chuck Norris for 200 episodes of Walker Texas Ranger from which he still receives a 17 cent a month residual check…
Richard Prior as Gus Gorman (Superman III: Requiem)
Superman III's Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) has become a staple joke of this generation. It helps when you have the insanely hilarious and genius Richard Pryor playing him. This character makes the list if only for the fact that the entire plot of Mike Judge's Office Space is based off of his very existence. In Superman III, Gorman uses his computer prowess to develop a method of skimming money from the payroll of the company he works for. This practice actually happens IRL and is called "Salami Slicing" (please refer to the above instructional video). Pryor's character is a pseudo-villain in this movie, only because his boss blackmails him into creating a computer that kills Superman somehow…or something. This movie's plot is ridiculous. There's 2 Supermanses (Supermen?), toxic vapor, financial jargon, oil tankers, krypto beams, and at least 100 different characters. This movie's plot is more confusing than Mission Impossible's….or my sexual preference. Gorman redeems himself in true symbolic fashion by destroying the beam he helped to create to destroy Superman with an axe, proving once again that most things in life can be fixed by using an axe.
Lex Murphy (Jurassic Park)
Lex Murphy plays Jurassic Park Girl in Jurassic Park. She is the extremely spoiled granddaughter of Mr. Jurassic Park and the older sister to Boy Jurassic Park. This girl was way ahead of her time due to the fact she knew how to use touch screen computers before they were even invented way back in 1993. Lex makes the list simply because she fixes Jurassic Park…no big deal (NBD). Not even Samuel L. Jackson could fix that fucking place, which brings us to Dennis Nedry. Some of you are probably like, "What about Nedry" or "Why do I like Lemon Parties so much?" Newman Nedry's self interest and greed spur him to create a computer virus to unlock the doors holding all of the dino embryos. Unfortunately, the virus also shuts down the rest of Jurassic Park's security and cage systems. This automatically disqualifies Nedry from the list, as he was not successful in his hax. Not only that, but Lex spends most of the movie being chased by dinosaurs, which, ironically enough were made with computers, making her both versatile on computer and in surviving a terrible nightmarish dinosaur infestation. She is also a vegetarian so it's doubly ironic because dinosaurs love eating human meats. Mind…BLOWN! Does anyone else always think this actress is the same actress who was married to the very dead Heath Ledger? It turns out she's not…which is good because you know…he's really dead.
Ferris Bueller is so cool he doesn't even need to be in a movie about hacking to make the hacking hall of fame. This kid just does it for the lulz. Ferris changes his absences via computer/early internet back when computers were something of a myth. People in the 1980's had yet to even begin to understand what computers were going to do to their lives (bangbus). Nothing I say about Mr. Bueller can make him any cooler than he already is…I mean the guy got away with manslaughter.
(Mr. Broderick's people asked us here at Gamervision.com to please refrain from posting any spoofed pictures of his likeness commiting Manslaughter...so here's a picture of something else terrible)
War Games' Ferris Bueller
Before Ferris Bueller's Day Off…Ferris Bueller was Ferris Bueller in War Games. This is probably one of the first and most memorable hacker movies ever made. In it, Ferris Bueller stumbles upon a government "War Game" (GET IT?) run by a super computer named W.H.O.P.P.E.R (om nom nom) dedicated to try and find a strategic solution to winning an all out nuclear war scenario. Soon the government is onto Cable Guy's h4x, so he and Ally Sheedy go on a crazy adventure to try and find the creator of the game. Soon they are captured by the FBI (TEC) and have to prevent all out thermonuclear war B.I.G. M.A.C. doesn't understand that the game is just a game. It's very symbolic. Election then uses his haxing skills and smarts to tell the game to play itself thus ensuring that D.O.U.B.L.E. D. O. W. N. will learn that nobody can win in nuclear war. He does this by making the number of players in the game, zero. BRILLIANT! Also, he compares the threat of global nuclear holocaust to a game of Tic Tac Toe. This is actually one of the first movies to feature computers, let alone hacking. Back when this movie came out, people thought computers ran on stardust, space magic, and pixie farts. Apparently, there was nothing you couldn't do with a computer back in 1983, so much so that a 16 year old kid almost causes World War III: The Reckoning. Broderick's character…whatever his name is…also uses his abilities to impress Ally Sheedy. This is very important…because she totally goes for. Good job kid…good job.
Zero Cool/Crash Override and Acid Burn (Hackers)
Finally, we come to the King and Queen of Hacking. Hackers came out in 1995 and is the greatest movie ever made. I could dedicate an entire article just on how great this movie is (tease). Angelina Jolie and Other Mathew Broderick (Johnny Lee Miller) play two top tier computer Hackers who, yep you guess it, stumble upon an insidious plot by a hacker named "The Plague" to seize money and power by using computers. Why did we invent these things again? It turns out that Zero Cool is a hacking genius who crashed 1507 systems in one day when he was like 3 years old or some shit. So when Zero moves to the big city of New York City, he chooses to hide his identity from other hacker elites because his handle is so notorious and revered. This causes him to have an air of Man With No Name-ishness. Soon he meets Acid Burn (Angelina Jolie), who is hotter than shit in the oven on Thanksgiving day, and right away they hate each other. I placed them both at the top of this list for several reasons. In the film, in order to determine who is the better hacker, the two stage a competition to see who can best harass the Secret Service agent who is trying to bust them. This leads to each of them upping their game. At one point, they place a personal ad for him saying he's looking for random play from sweet sweet NYC Trannies! ying to bust them. This makes each of them "up their game." At one point they place a personal add for the agent saying he's looking for random play from sweet sweet NYC Trannies! This makes them even more "up their game" and that's when their hacking skills elevate to the next level!!lol!!!!1!!!two. They're like the Ali and Frasier of hacking…except both of them still has full motor control.
This movie is incredible. I think everyone who has seen this movie has tried to recreate some of the more well known and ridiculous hacking stunts…like using a tape recorder to record the sounds of coins going into a pay phone so you don't have to pay. There's also the classic scene where Zero Cool paints his computer camouflage. He's so bad ass he doesn't even need to see the keys to know what they are! Incidentally, spray painting your computer ruins it. In the end, the team of Hackers unites the world's hackers in a final showdown with The Plague to hack the Gibson. SPOILER ALERT: They hack the Gibson.
I remember seeing this movie back when it was on HBO 4 times a day and being consumed by its epicness. Jolie shows her boobs to get back at her dad and it's just the greatest. The whole scene where they are in her room checking out her computer is classic. The team of Hackers ogle Jolie's rig (HA) and are amazed that it has a 28.8 modem. WHEEEEEWWWW. Jolie then busts in making out with some dude and shows her 28.8's. Me Gusta!
Josh Henderson is an actor/writer who challenges you to hack his Gamervision.com account...