This weekend is Halloween. If you are like me, you probably already have your costume idea well thought out and completed. You've probably made all of your adjustments to your sexy kitten get-up, or your sexy maid costume, making sure your thongs and garters are ironed and adjusted to fit just right. I mean, who wouldn't have a costume ready two days before Halloween and a day before the day when most Halloween parties are going to be jumpin' off like House Party II? Anyone who doen't have a costume ready is going to look like an idiot at best. They're probably going to lose all the friends at their respective parties and nobody will have sex with them…ever.
OH GOD, I'M NOT READY!
Okay, okay, I sort of lied in an effort to assuage my own fears and insecurities about not being fully prepared for the Halloween festivities. But don't worry…unlike for me, there is still hope for you!
I've compiled a list/tutorial of last minute Halloween costume ideas for you. These costumes will most likely be the hit of any spooky celebration and WILL cause a severe case of "Getting Laid" (chlamydia). I tried to keep them as gender nonspecific as possible so that both males and broads could don them. But honestly, if you're a chick and you're reading this, you've got bigger problems than not having a Halloween costume…Ok, lets get started!
History's Greatest Monster Marc Summers
Marc Summers was the host of Nickelodeon's Double Dare and What Would You Do? during the late 80's and mid 90's. He is also history's greatest monster and a ruthless overlord of all things evil. Marc Summers now hosts a terrible show on Food Network called Show About Gross Candy (Unwrapped). This costume should be fairly easy to put together even for a moron (you). First, I recommend getting a cheap suit from your local Goodwill or Salvation Army. It should be easy enough to find one that is much like the one Summers wears, since this is where he too buys all of his dress attire. I would hit up the tie section as well so you're sure to find a terrible fat tie that looks like it was buried with my dead grandfather back in 1986. If you don't want to go the suit route, you may also find a random horribly patterned and nondescript collared shirt. Summers tends to wear these when he wants to look like a normal person, and not like Tim Curry from Legend.
Now that you have the outfit ready, you're ready to move onto the details. Take an entire can of shaving cream and spray it all over your suit/shirt, giving it the appearance it has been through an episode of Double Dare. Make sure to bring extra cans with you to the party to reapply. Next, find an old vacuum cleaner and set that aside as you will need it to recreate his extreme OCD while at the party (more on that later). You're almost done! Next practice your "shit eating grin" in front of a mirror for several minutes before the party. Don't worry if you don't get your shit eating grin to look as shitty or as grinny as Summers', it takes years of being a mega-douche to perfect. Now you're ready for the party. At the event, make sure to randomly adjust objects on tables and picture frames throughout the house, to again appear like you're seething with OCD. The vacuum can be a great prop, so use it whenever funny/appropriate. Just make sure if you turn it on and vacuum, that all of the lines it makes on the carpet are parallel and equidistant. Also, try to count while you touch doorknobs. Pro Tip: Anything under 50 knob touches isn't OCD enough, so really go to town on those things.
Fact: Wizards don't follow the scientific method. So here is a great opportunity to make a joke that pretty much no one will get or care about. Wizard Scientist is a simple and intelligent costume to solve all of your Halloween problems. First, go to any Halloween Outlet store and find a doctor or scientist lab coat. Doctor will probably be the easiest, since people (strippers) like dressing up like them for Halloween (bachelor parties). Next, find the Wizarding section of the store and grab the most epic wizard hat you can find. They should also have a selection of beards at this store; these will serve as a great accent to Wizard Scientist's face. Then you'll find a pair of slacks if you're a guy…or a power suit if you're a woman. This is a great opportunity to wear a short skirt to sex up the outfit a bit, if you're a girl…or a boy…I'm not really that picky. If you're a female, the addition of a beard along with the hat should be a hit as well, just make sure to take it off when you start vomiting later in the night. Either that, or have one of your friends hold your beard whilst you're puking in the toilet. All you need now is some sort of wand and a clipboard. Make sure you tie the wand to the clipboard, like they do to the pens at the post office, so you don't lose it or you'll be deducted 50 house points.
Now you're ready for the party. If you know any magic tricks, make sure you break them out so as to appear that you actually know magic. Be sure to also walk around confused and torn as to why you even exist. Wizards don't generally follow logic and most of them have never taken a science class. You might want to print out a list of humorous spells so you can enchant people all night long. Make sure to tie in some scientific terms, as most of them sound like magical made up terms anyway.
Mr. Ernst from Hey Dude
Anyone who remembers subpar Canadian television from the early 1990's (Degrassi) probably remembers Hey Dude. Hey Dude featured a cast of characters, any one of which could have made this list. By far the most recognizable for a party situation would have to be Mr. Ernst, the Bar None Ranch's bumbling but well meaning boss. The Ernst Costume should be pretty easy to construct in a short amount of time. First, you'll need a flannel shirt, which you can find at any Salvation Army…or time travel back to 1994 for a better selection. Next, find a pair of terrible pair of 90s acid-washed jeans. That should be pretty easy to do at any Goodwill. To cap it off, find a novelty pair of Nose Glasses, the ones that look like Groucho Marx. Take the nose off, so that you just have the frames left and grab a cheap cowboy hat. A children's cowboy hat ups the humor value of the costume.
Be sure to walk around the party all night talking to the guests as if they worked at the Bar None Ranch. Refer to them by the other characters' names in the show, and come up with crazy plans to get more visitors to the ranch. By the end of the night you may actually have come up with a pretty viable and solid business plan for your own dude ranch.
Ghost Mummy of Jessica Tandy (Ghost of the MUMMY of Jessica Tandy)
Jessica Tandy was an academy award winning actress who starred in such films as Fried Green Tomatoes, Driving Miss Daisy, and Cocoon II. She was beloved by many and died at the ripe old age of 147 in 1994 (leaving behind an impressive collection of flannels). So what better way to honor her memory than to dress up as her haunted mummy on Halloween!?!? First you'll need a sheet. Get this from any store that sells beds, or from your mom's linen closet. Cut a hole in the sheet and stick your head through it. This sheet will serve as the ghostly form for your costume, as well as increasing the haunt factor by one million. Next, find a ratty-ass old lady wig from the Halloween store to accurately represent Betty White's Jessica Tandy's old woman hair style. You're going to need to grab some Ace bandages or some toilet paper and wrap yourself up like a legit mummy. You can also accent the costume with some deep-fat-fried green tomatoes, or regular tomatoes from the grocery store. You're going to need to practice your old lady voice by reciting some of her most famous lines. You probably already know them since well…who doesn't?
Time saving tip: This outfit works for other old lady actresses that are deceased or soon will be. You can add your own flavor to these costumes. Maybe you want to go as Zombie Golden Girls or perhaps Ghost Thelma and Louise. And don't be afraid to experiment: Undead Brittany Murphy could well look like a withered old hag. The possibilities are endless.
Transporter Accident Victim
This is by far my favorite idea this year. You'd be stupid NOT to go as this, and this costume is guaranteed to get you at least 5 HJ's (Jessica Tandy Handies). To accurately create the illusion that you have been in some sort of horrific matter transporter accident, you're going to need to go to your Halloween store and just grab all of the left over costume pieces that nobody wanted. If you're going the Star Trek transporter route, you can grab any colored T-shirt that most closely matches the colors that Starfleet officers wear (red, blue, yellow, neon pink). Next, gather up your assorted random parts and start piling them on. I would go for maybe some sort of monster hand, plus some of those novelty fake boobs. Maybe you were in a transporter accident with a weird alien AND a chick with sweet double D's? Or maybe you were in a transporter accident with a Crab Man AND a chick with sweet double C's? Either way it will be epic. You can also add some other random accoutrement like a nun's habit, because nuns use transporters all of the time! Maybe you were in a transporter accident with a nun with sweet double E's? Think about it…
So fret not, you princes and princesses of procrastination; any one of these costumes is easy to put together in a jiffy. Make sure you go wild with them and don't hold back. Your imagination is your friend, and everyone at the party will appreciate your creativity (but are not your friends). I guarantee that you will get many compliments and phone numbers from members (HA!) of the opposite/same sex.
I would love to hear your ideas for last minute costumes and any thoughts for what you would dress up as for Halloween. You can post pics if you'd like of your costumes and ideas! Have fun this weekend and be safe. Don't do anything I wouldn't do…or do do those things…I don't really care.
Josh Henderson is an actor/writer who loves Nun Tits.