The only thing better than being an adult at Halloween is beating a kid at Halloween…I mean…BEING a kid at Halloween.  As a child, most things terrified me, which would later manifest as  several mental illnesses help shape the person I've become today.  Recently, the discussion around the office turned to the topic of what used to scare us when we were kids.  Most of us were scared of things that scare most children…scary movies, Jeff Goldblum, the band Genesis... but some of us had some awful experiences with scary toys.  The thought of a child being afraid of his own toys is both sad, and satisfyingly amusing.  Nothing is worse than a sad child…but man is it hilarious to trick them!  So we've compiled a list of the scariest toys that probably turned a lot of us into the depraved, paranoid weirdos that we are to this day.  By we, I mean me…


Wham-O Willy Water Bug Sprinkler

The Wham-O Willy Water Bug Sprinkler not only has the longest name of any toy ever created, but it is one of the toys on the list that is extremely dangerous.  If you've ever had the misfortune of going over to a friend's house who had one, you were probably nutted…even if you were a girl.  This toy is terrible for several reasons.  The first being that if you lived anywhere in the United States in the summer time, you probably were excited about cooling off with some whacky, zany water-fueled fun.  Maybe you expected to go over to a friend's house and swim in a swimming pool, only to find that he had a whack-ass sprinkler that you had to run through.  If you were really unlucky, your so called "friend" had one of these nightmares spraying sucky hose water all over the backyard; freezing cold hose water from a tap.  To add to the horror, this thing's death tentacles would flail about like some kind of spastic octopus from hell, hitting you in the knee caps and private parts every chance it got.  And don't tell me this thing didn't know it was hitting you in the nuts…they were all haunted by ghosts who love Wham-o-ing kids in their Willies.  The name of this thing is ridiculous.  Willy Water Bug?  Apparently nobody who helped create this toy ever saw a real Water Bug.  Here is a picture of one.

Yeah…not something I want spraying me with water let alone flaying my skin off with its head of nine tails.  These things don't listen when you say your safe word…trust me.  Mine is "Teapot Dome Scandal".


Tickle Me Elmo
Watch this documentary about what happened when these things were introduced.  It is terrifying(see below).

                                     Darth Vader in Department Store Home Alone

Lawn Darts
To this day parents and kids everywhere have horror stories about Lawn Darts. Lawn Darts was a game you played on your lawn that resembled the game of Darts…but on your lawn.  They were oversized iron darts that you would hurl into the air like a horse shoe and try to hit a target, thus proving your awesomeness at pointless shitty backyard BBQ games (loser).  If you're lucky enough to still own a set of them you will find that this game is more legendary than it is fun, and the only way to make it fun is to actually try and impale your friends with said darts.  On December 19th, 1988, Lawn Darts were banned for sale in the United States after three kids got brained and died, thus ruining the fun for everyone.  This was probably very sad for their parents, but they can rest easy knowing that it was all a part of the natural phenomena known as "thinning the herd"…or as Darwin called it, "The Lawn Dart Effect" (DOUBLE FACT)….

Baby Alive

Baby Alive is a device used to turn little girls into future baby-making, minivan-driving, consumerist, super moms.  Baby Alive is a baby doll that, when you feed it, it shits and pisses all over the place, thus ensuring its place as my number one personal nightmare of all time. It's like a Linda Blair action figure and it's horrifyingly awful.  Why are we encouraging babies to have babies?   I'm going to go ahead and say it…it's probably less terrifying to clean up real baby poop than it is to clean up imaginary, plastic, fake baby poop.  What if this thing suddenly started needing other things…like "love" and "attention"?….(shivers).  The only way to effectively rid yourself of a Baby Alive is to call 1-800-Exo-Cist.  Note:  Shaking Baby Alive will not kill it…it will only make it angry.

Teddy Ruxpin

                                               A talking bear WILL make you popular.

Teddy Ruxpin was the T-800 of its day.  It had the ability to mesmerize children with the most sophisticated brain washing technology of it's day…cassette tapes!  From what I remember, you would put a tape into Teddy's spineless back and he would sing to you…most likely channeling the devil himself into the ears of millions of little kids.  When I was a child I wanted this toy so badly, but my parents would never buy me one.  Now that I am an adult (I'm not) I can understand why I never received one for Kwanza.  I'm actually surprised that Teddy Ruxpin didn't spawn more creepy-talking, singing, dancing toys.  OH WAIT…..

Teddy Ruxpin was the prototype for Pedo Bear (FACT).  If you listen to his soft lilting voice long enough, you can't help but think there is candy in his pants, and start reaching down there, like that girl I met at the bar two nights ago…call me, Destiny.  What kind of terrible and disturbing Chistmases did millions of parents have after buying their kid this thing?  They probably had to listen to this thing's effeminate android voice sing terrible songs that sound like their straight off a gay Kidz Bop XXII album.  You can email Teddy Ruxpin courtesy of the California State Correctional facility where he is serving 25 to life for multiple counts of murder and copyright infringement.  He is also scheduled to go on trial for the 1990 disappearance of Kid Sister.





Beeople/Chubbles
It took me a while to figure out and remember what these things were called.  This may have been one of my favorite toys as a child, but upon further review it is also one of the strangest and creepiest.  Like most dangerous and terrifying things in life, these overpriced teddy bears wholly original ideas disguised themselves as an adorable tiny Ewok-like cutie faces.  The frightening part about this toy is only revealed when you shine a light in its adorable, terrifyingly nondescript face.  Check out the sound it makes….

Now when I was a kid, the idea of a toy making any kind of sound on its own felt like what I imagine A.I. must have felt like when he figured out that Die Hard was a ghost (SPOILER).  It's like a demonic wookiee is putting signals into your brain making you want to murder your entire family in the middle of the night and put them in the swimming pool which you then would fill with cement…Or maybe this would just happen…

Unlike Lawn Darts, Chubbles were never never outlawed for being dangerous.  But don't let their cute faces fool you, these things were EXTREMELY dangerous.  Let it be known that the only way to get rid of a Chubble is to place it in a pitch black room, deny it love, and forget about it.  They cannot be killed.

My Buddy

                                        No terror added...

Finally, we get to the grandaddy of all scary toys, the My Buddy.  My Buddy was so terrifying it spawned an entire horror film series based off of just how scary this fucking toy was.  Of course we all know that series was called The Leprechaun.  This thing was the real inspiration behind all creepy toys ever made and all creepy toys that will ever BE made.  My Buddy was a 2 foot tall generic boy doll that was supposed to replace kids' real friends…or in my case, to be there for kids if they were loser enough not to have any friends.  My Buddy was so terrifying that it scarred my good buddy friend Paul "Raul" Ritchey so much that he can't pee standing up.  Every night Paul would hide his My Buddy in the closet because it's spook factor was over 9000.  To his surprise, the next day, the My Buddy would be sitting in a chair next to his bed having seemingly escaped the confines of the Negaverse that is Paul's closet (I've been in it).  It turns out his dad would come into his room in the middle of the night and extract the hidden Buddy from the closet and place him in spooky spots, so as to scar his eldest son. To this day Paul cannot see a My Buddy without vomiting and peeing himself into a coma.  He is also afraid of most large sea mammals and confined sweaters.  I'm guessing that most children who owned a My Buddy were terribly scarred by this thing in ways that we are only starting to understand today.  There have been reports of My Buddys surviving fires and even reports of kids tossing them into the grand canyon only to find, when they get home, their My Buddy sitting on their front porch.  My Buddy cannot be killed by any known means and will haunt you forever.  Just ask Paul.

If you have any toys that freaked you out when you were a kid or that you now think, "Hey what a weird toy...", feel free to share.  If you were a terrified and agoraphobic child like myself, I'm sure there were some toys that you still remember that may have even freaked you out.  If you were a "normal" child and claim to never have been afraid of common inanimate objects, you are lying to yourself and others…why are you such a liar, liar, with pants on fire?


Josh Henderson is an actor/writer who is the Blade Runner of childhood toys….