As summer draws to an end and the realization hits you that we have a limited amount of time to enjoy the finer things in life, such as daylight and warmth, I was thinking of some ways that one could curb the effects of the two worst seasons created by the tilt of the Earth's stupid axis (23.5 degrees). Since you probably don't ever go outside anyway, why not use the warmth of soothing video games to get you through "the dark times" ? So I compiled a list of summer themed games that you should play, if you're like myself and wish humans hibernated like cute bears.
I think this year I'm going to try out a new strategy for for dealing with the dregs of winter and the creeping crippling depression caused by fall's slow but persistant cold embrace. I'm just going to to deny that it's happening. And what better way to ignore a problem than with video games (drugs). So here are a list of some summertime games that we here around the Gamervision.com like to play…
California Games is probably one of the best known games of the early Nintendo sporting event games. In it, you get to play a variety of rad California '80s stereotypes who love to play hippy games and contribute nothing to society. Such slacker games include: surfing, roller skating, Tony Hawk look-a-like contest (half pipe), kick bean bag with foot (footbag), Fixie Riding, and Ultimate Frisbee. While playing the frisbee event, you can also experience another of my favorite summer pastimes known as "Face Planting". My favorite event is Footbag, also known as Hackysack in America, because you can kick the sack up in the air and hit birds. If you accomplish this feat, you get like a billion points. It's just like if you did this IRL, you'd get a billion life points and your own episode of Animal Cops: California Games. I like this game a lot…It's pretty bodacious. So put your weed pipes down and take a shower, you patchouli-stanked, Haight-Ashbury mother fuckers, and play this game, if you're into having fun.
Super Mario Sunshine
Super Mario Sunshine tells the story of Lost the television show but on the Nintendo Gamecube System. Mario and Princess Peach decide to go on vacation to an amazingly beautiful tropical island, but upon arriving, their plane crashes and they find that the island has been covered in graffiti. Mario then must clean up the island and defeat a shadow version of himself. I think the Princess is almost kidnapped…because you know, that's a thing that she does. If I were Mario, I'd be pretty upset. The guy goes on vacation with his girlfriend and not only does he have to go on another adventure to rid the world of evil, but he has to clean? That sounds like the worst vacation ever. Nobody wants to clean on their vacation…that's why maids were invented….sexy sexy maids. Also, all this cleaning and adventuring prevents Mario from having sweet sweet vacation sex. Yeah…you know what I'm talking about. Nothing like fuxing in a strange bed that you never know who has soiled to enhance the romance. What were we talking about? Oh Mario…right. Yeah this game is pretty fun.
Skate or Die
If you're into things from 1997 like I am you might remember a little fad called "Skate Boarding". Apparently it's a sport in which a person stands on a board and uses his foot to propel himself forward….and they made video games about it! Skate or Die was like the California Games of video games…except every event involved skateboarding. There was a pretty bad ass shop owner who owned the skate shop where you could check your scores and stare at his sweet mohawk. The guy looked like he was 50 years old so I think he was going through some kind of mid life crisis or maybe he was experimenting with drugs (recommended). I remember my cousin finding a copy of Skate or Die II on the bus one day, which for an 8 year old in 1991 would be the equivalent of an adult finding a porno or like…3 pornos. My favorite event was the "Downhill Jam" in which you race another player down an alley in which there are several strategically placed obstacles. It's sort of like Paperboy but on skateboards. You can also select whether you want to play as regular foot or goofy foot. I'm told these are skateboarding terms. I also like to just put the Skate or Die theme song on at parties and watch the panties drop. It works.
Dead or Alive
What would a simulated summer be without the Greatest American Sport of Ever? That's a rhetorical question; you don't really have to answer it. But to answer it…..Nothing. What is there to say about RBI Baseball…it's srs bsns. You can either play as Blue Team or Red Team and what you do is play Baseball. That's…that's…uh….that's pretty much it. I remember always accidentally stealing bases and getting caught. It was really hard to stay on a base which apparently is what some would call "skill". There's not really much to say about this game except that it's fun as shit and if you don't like baseball you're a nazi…a double nazi.
T&C Surf Design
T&C Surf Design sounds like it's a CAD program…and let me tell you, boy I was disappointed when it wasn't. This game is the California Games of T&C Surf Design…except you're surfing AND skateboarding… Siiiiiiiiiigh. Here is another game where you are doing lots of shit on a board of some kind. I actually think this game is where they got the idea for the film Point Break (fact). Anyone who's ever played this game knows that it's the most finicky game ever made, in terms of when or if you hit something that's an obstacle. Birds knock you off of your skateboard, birds that look like turtles, jumping…breathing oxygen…all of these things will earn you a trip to the ER. Fucking everything knocks you off your board. If I wanted to suck this bad at skateboarding, I would actually skateboard. This game is pretty boring…I only recommend this as a last resort if you're really hankering for a summer game or you want another reason to finally commit suicide (do it).
Wave Race 64
Remember when people used to race wave runners? No? Well then you never played Wave Race 64. This game has you racing around waves on an '80s style wave runner, of a kind not seen since Miami Vice. The object is to beat other players and become the biggest queer on the seven seas. I love the style of Wave Runner used in this game. You ride the stand-up-kind and you get to do awesome flips and impress chicks/dudes. If you do cool enough tricks you get points and like the George Washington said, "Yee who hath the most points hath the biggest peen". This game is fun and I remember the physics being pretty cool, much cooler than real life physics.
Super Spike V'ball/ Kings of the Beach
Finally, Super Spike V'Ball! This game is the shit and by far my favorite on the list. In it, you're a volleyball team who has to defeat all comers in the most popular sport of all time, Beach Vollleyball. This game may look familiar to you if you've ever played another of Nintendo's classics, Double Dragon II: Double Dragon. Actually, you can play as the Double Dragon II Double Dragon characters Billy (Bimmy) and Jimmy as they try to leave their fighting ways behind and turn a new leaf as professional beach volleyball combatants. If you manage to achieve a super spike in this game, and your opponent is unlucky enough to be in the pathway of the ball, they will get super spiked IN THE FACE causing them to get super butthurt. If you play this game with friends prepare to get all sweaty and excited because almost nothing about this game doesn't cause your adrenal gland to become hyperactive. When you blast someone in the face (ha) with the ball you will know what it is like to achieve something in life…and knowing you that will be the only chance you'll ever feel that feeling. Here is a clip of the Super Spike V'Ball live action feature film...
So there you have it kids…play these games and the 9 months of winter most of these United States experiences will fly by in no time. I recommend a lot of drinking too…and if you're underage, I recommend even more drinking (seriously though don't sue us). Keep some of these ideas in mind when you're pumpkin-picking or doing whatever dumb thing your girlfriend is making you do in the fall. If you have any more games that remind you of summertime, or games that you loved to play in the summer let me know…and I'll tell you why they're either good or totally fucking retarded.
Josh Henderson is an actor/writer who's opinions may bring him legal troubles in the near future…
Special Thanks: Paul Ritchey