October!!!! Ahhhh what a glorious month for sports fans. With football season in full swing we here at Gamervision.com are embroiled in an all out fantasy football WAR! It's serious…as serious as Kellen Winslow! Sports are fun. I'm told people play them in an effort to measure penis size and prove they are not gay (fail). We have a proud tradition here at Gamervision. And by proud, I of course mean we've been doing it for two months.
So in honor of our glorious and epic struggle to best one another in the most pointless of all pastimes (fantasy sex league), I have compiled my ultimate fantasy football players OF ALL TIME from the greatest sports video game ever made…Tecmo Super Bowl. BOOOOOOOOM (explosions)!!!!!!!
"I don't give a hell"
Tecmo Super Bowl, or as it is sometimes called "Super Tecmo Bowl", is not only the greatest sports game ever, but it defined a generation's love of early 1990's NFL football. It's incredible. I remember getting it and playing for hours on end, much like people play Madden now. It had all the then 28 teams and the full 1991 NFL schedule for each team. This game was the reason I got Cs in 4th grade. Hey, Stuart Little is a tough read. I remember rediscovering the game, after I had found my Nintendo buried amongst my erotic pogs collection, and playing it with my friends throughout our early 20's. We would have competitions, with full brackets and all, to see who would momentarily reign supreme and hoist the trophy of self respect. I would always feel bad because someone would inevitably choose to play as the Seahawks….which uh…is kind of like picking your cousin instead of the prom queen to take to prom, like I did that one time. The ass-beating that would ensue would generally leave me feeling like I just beat up a toddler for a Mounds bar…and I hate coconut.
Bo Jackson (Demi God Los Angeles Raiders)
Without a doubt you have to take Bo Jackson first. Apparently in this game the designers decided to throw all the rules of physics and human limitation to the wind and make Bo Jackson some sort of demigod from Greek times. If you are unlucky enough to play against someone (asshole) who plays as the Raiders you better be ready to win on offense because Bo will at least score 4 TD's on you with more ease than Al Bundy. You can't touch him in this game…literally you have to have to have the Jedi ability of foresight to see where he is going to be. Plus you'd have a lightsaber, so there's that too. OHHHH tackle him where he's GOING to be…I remember Jackson being a big deal when I was a kid mostly because he was one of the few professional athletes to excel at two sports. However, his career would end due to a knee injury, which in the early '90s was like getting shot in the Civil War…they just cut your leg off. If there were an expressible equation for how great Bo is in this game it would be Bo = ∞ x π. Bo knows OP.
Projected Stats: 6,666 yards Rushing
89 men murdered
Jerry Rice (WR San Francisco 49ers)
Jerry Rice is an obvious choice for your first receiver. Rice is like the Joe Montana of football. For years after his retirement, people threw around that he was the best football player to ever play. I don't know about that, but as far as receivers go, he was just fantastic…and handsome….so so handsome. In Tecmo, he is so ridiculous it's a crime to play as the 49ers in Mississippi and most Louisiana parishes. If you're playing against him you can double cover him all day long and it won't matter. He'll just jump 45 feet in the air and snag that ball right up. It's almost impossible for Rice to NOT catch anything thrown at him in this game. I always imagined Jerry Rice as being just a stand up guy. I can't even make a joke about this guy he's too fucking nice.
Projected stats: 1,542 yards receiving
3 babies kissed
hugs for all
Christian Okoye (RB Kansas City Chiefs)
The Nigerian Nightmare is your best choice for your second RB. Had Jesus Jackson not been in this game he's probably be the best running back in Tecmo Super Bowl. The Nightmare cannot be stopped by conventional means. In Tecmo, much like in real life, he would simply run through you without thought for your well-being or your safety, walk over your twitching broken body, and then go home and have sex with your wife while your kids watched. What you had to do was tackle him using a method I like to call the "Bitch Tackle". What you do is run slightly beside the player and time it right so they run into your sprawled out sliding body. It's tough to do but it's SUPER effective. It can also cause severe knee injuries which were always a great/horrible part of the game. Okoye was a beast.
Projected Stats: at least 100 yards rushing
2 wives satisfied
2.5 children traumatized for life
Fred Barnett (WR Philadelphia Eages)
This pick for my second wide out is a personal favorite of mine. Being an Eagles fan in the uh….well being an Eagles fan EVER has been tough. In the early '90s, the Eagles were competitive. They had promise. One of the high points of my love affair with the Birds were those late '80s and early '90s teams that were full of explosive and exciting players. One of my personal favorites? Fred Barnett. This guy was cool as shit bro. He had good hands and wasn't as popular as other wide outs of the time who were generally considered more talented. In Tecmo, however, he is a solid choice. He gets open and doesn't afraid of anything. Although not as ridiculously OP as Rice, Barnett was and is a great receiver. Nowadays he can be found selling designer suits and watches in Philadelphia. Great hands AND great taste?!?!?!?
Projected Stats: 45 Armani's sold
Employee of the Month
Lawrence Taylor (LB New York Giants)
Picking an entire defense is typical in any fantasy football league, but I am just going to focus on the best defensive player in all of Tecmo. LT was stupid good in this game. He may be one of the only players in game that could legitimately take down the unstoppable force of Okoye and be about as fast as Bo. As LT, you don't even need to hit the tackle button to tackle other players. It's almost as though the game designers knew back in '91 that LT was smoking crack before every game and just rage fucking his way through hoes…because my god is he overpowered in this game. You can almost smell the rage and 8ball stank coming off of his 8bit breath. The Giants defense was always pretty good in Tecmo. I suggest if you're playing against someone playing as the Raiders (asshole), that they might be your best choice. Remember Carl Banks…that guy was alright.
Projected Stats: $2000 a day coke habit
Keith Cash (TE Kansas City Chiefs)
Tight End (HA). Look at this guys' name…epic. Yeah he's good too…sure, whatever.
Projected Stats: Sweet Ass
Hundreds of bitches
QB Eagles (QB Uh…Eagles of Philadelphia)
Anyone who knows anything about anything knows that QB Eagles is the best player in any video game ever. I submit to you that Randall Cunningham QB Eagles is even better than Bo in Tecmo Super Bowl. He can throw and scramble. One season, I was really bored and just ran the ball with him every play. Every…play…for 16 straight games. Oh, and I won the Super Bowl. Donovan McNabb QB Eagles was the ultimate weapon. For Eagles fans in the '90s this was the closest we would come to greatness. Our collective sad and pathetic lives would have to wait another 15 or so years to become even more sad and pathetic. Michael Vick QB Eagles was the ultimate Tecmo weapon. If you were unlucky enough to be playing against a skilled player (me) who knew how to utilize Koy Detmer QB Eagles, you were super boned. QB Eagles has made more young boys cry than my creepy uncle. Some of you will argue there are better quarterbacks in the game…and you would be wrong. What's it like to be so wrong every day of your life? Good luck making the right choices in life being so wrong all of the time.
Projected Stats: 17,000 yards rushing (it happened...I did it)
1 childhood hero
You probably have your own favorite players from this, the greatest sports game ever conceived. Feel free to argue your dumb points and share with me your opinions (I won't read them). For me, this game beyond classic. The halftime shows, the trying to sneak a peak at the cheerleaders underwears, the Mighty Bombjack half time show…classic. I encourage you to go out and buy a copy of this game and have a Tecmo party. You won't regret it, until one of your friends throws a Nintendo controller though my window in a fit of nerd rage…siiiiiigh.
Josh Henderson is an actor/writer who will beat your dad at video games…your REAL dad.