A lot of arguments discussion this week around the GV office has been about films. One of the topics that is a constant source of debate is whether or not video games suffer from a lack of developed story arcs, thus cheapening their storylines from more traditional plot driven media such as film. Now, I know you and I can both name a ton of great games that have wonderfully developed stories (Ocarina of Time, Final Fantasy VII, Burger Time), but developing a original and entertaining story for a game can be tough. But what about video games that have been turned into feature films? You could argue that only a handful of games have already successfully made the transition to this media (Burger Time), so I decided to check out a few video game film adaptations that I had never seen before and determine if they are any good or not. It turns out that there are a lot more of them than I had imagined. This week, I'll take a look at the soon to be classic Pokémon 4Ever, the fourth installment of the Pokémon film franchise based on the hugely popular Pokémon games.

Plot?

Pokémon 4Ever (P4E) tells the story of Ash Ketchum (GET IT? CATCH 'EM! LOLOLOL) and an Electric Hamster hanging out and fighting other pre-teen runaways in what are most likely illegal, unsanctioned, Pokémon Fighting Rings. Anyone who is familiar with the television series would recognize the usual cast of characters. There's Ash, Pikachu, perverted male stereotype (Brock), and Misty (Hot Redhead). There are a few new characters too like Sammy, a young boy who loves to draw Pokémon in a sketch book much like that one kid we all know who draws dragons. We all know one. One day, Sammy decides to go to the woods to draw some Pokémon, only to find out from a nice young lady in the town that in these particular woods, time travel happens. Here is how she explains it…

"They say there's a voice you can hear when the spirit of the forest is time traveling…" ~ Plot Device Lady, PhD

Makes sense to me. Inevitably, Sammy gets sent into the future while trying to save a rare Pokémon named Celebi from being attacked by a Pokémon hunter and meets up with Ash and the gang.  Unfortunately, in the future there is ANOTHER Pokémon hunter named Iron Masked Marauder who is also seeking the rare Celebi, and this is when shit gets real. Eventually, Masked Marauder catches Celebi in a special dark Pokéball that turns all Pokémon evil and insta-levels them to 99. Luckily the gang is able to save Celebi…somehow….like, with love or something, and everything turns out better than expected!

Friendship

Like many of the Pokémon movies, this movie is mostly about friendship. Since this is a movie for kids and total nerds (furfags) the message of friendship and caring for others is a constant theme, enabling us, the viewers to feel that one day, we too might stop being so extremely losery, and that we too may find some friends who like to go hiking for upwards of ten years straight. Ash and his friends fucking LOVE making friends. These kids will befriend fucking anything. Find a time traveler in the woods:  Befriended. Find a random rock or some sort of horse with purple fire coming out of it:  Befriended! At one point, Ash and Sam go into the woods in the middle of the night and watch a bunch of Butterfree (drugs) fly out of a tree, thus completing the required 60 hours of latently homo-erotic butterfly watching necessary to get their Forever Friends Lisence.

Time Travel

As I mentioned earlier, this movie has time travel in it. That being said, this movie is as much about time travel as Smokey and the Bandit is about acting (so…a lot). Sam and Ash become friends (SURPRISE!) after Sam stumbles ass-backwards into the future (present) and then gets sent back to the past (past) with some form of Pokémon space magic. This nearly breaks Ash's heart and when Ash, Brock, and Misty report back to Professor Oak, the Professor has to calm Ash down, assuring him that little Sammy would always remain his friend. But wait, Ash didn't tell Professor Oak his friend's name…ZOMG, Professor Oak was the kid all along! When Misty points this out to Ash, it goes largely unnoticed due to the fact that the three of them almost miss a ferry, proving once again that kids are fucking stupid. This of course blows open the whole series. Did Professor Oak give Pikachu to Ash in episode one just because he knew Ash from the past? Did every event that transpired in every iteration of the series happen because Professor Oak led Ash to the very spot where and when he needed to be to meet him? Does Oak love Ash more than his grandson Gary? Of course the answer to all of those questions is: yes. That is how time travel works…haven't you ever seen Back to the Future?


Rule 34
From what I can tell, in the original Japanese version of the film, the main bad guy is actually from the future and is the descendant of the bumbling bad guy Team Rocket members, Jessie and James. This would imply that at some point, James puts his Diglett in Jessie's Jigglypuff. I read this information on a fan forum so you know it has to be true. In the version I watched, however, there was absolutely no mention of this. I was disappointed, to say the least, and will just have to try and find some Poképorn on the internet…which could prove difficult.

Pokémon

Pokémon is about friendship, time travel, and let's not forget, inventing as many new cute toys characters as humanly possible so that little kids will buy love them forever. In P4E, the main Pokémon's name is Celebi and happens to look like a stick of celery crossbred with a bee. The formula seems pretty simple, so I made up a few of my own character names which I hope will be included in the next Pokémon project. This was stupidly easy to do and I encourage you to play along at home (don't tell your parents): it's just (noun + noun = name) or (adjective + noun = name). Here is a list of some of the names for new Pokémon I've come up with so far…

Tropes
Trope:  a common or overused theme or device : cliche

P4E is chock-full of tropes. My favorite has to be the Disney Death; this is when a lovable main character seemingly dies in the waning moments of a film, only to be miraculously saved and/or healed back to full HP. Celery Bee gets pwnd by some Pokémon magic and dies for what seems like forever (3 minutes). All the characters get really sad and start to cry, potentially traumatizing millions (tens) of child viewers in the process. But fear not! More Celery Bees come out of some sort of time hole and save Celebi Prime from death…No word on wether or not having been dead for several minutes caused any permanent brain damage. This brings me to an important point: Pokémon teaches kids that their pets are going to live forever. If you've ever had a guinea pig or a mouse or a Electric Hamster you know that those things only live for like 2 years (weeks). After watching P4E, kids might think, "My best friend Mitsy the dog will always be my friend". Well kid, you're wrong. Mitsy is going to die at some point, probably from extreme old age, before which, Mitsy won't even know who you are anymore, bringing you to the horrible realization that some aspects of life are worse than death. Where's that, Pokémon movie?

Final Synopsis

I'd watch this movie if it shut my illegitimate kids up. As far as its story…shit's out of control and nothing makes any sense. It's very avant garde (Japanese).

3 Traumatized Children Out of 10

Josh Henderson is an actor/writer who has a lvl 99 Mewtwo (fact).