The year was 1986.  Serious shit was going down.  Chernobyl was going all “China Syndrome” in the Soviet Union, the Challenger disaster killed that teacher leaving no one to validate literally tens of Book It claims, and George Lucas produced perhaps the greatest movie ever made. That movie was Howard the Duck.

Howard the Duck is a movie, based on a surreal comic book, in which a duck named Howard from a planet inhabited by duck people gets sucked through space time and lands in the sprawling utopian-esque city of Cleveland Ohio(home of the 1936 Great Lakes Expo!).  He then chances upon Beverly ( Lea Thompson) and they fall in love after a zany and whacky adventure (beastiality?).  Fin.   Now…back in the late 80’s I would go over to my cousin’s house while my aunt babysat me.  When my cousin wasn’t forcing me to eat mud pies(fact) we would put on Howard the Duck for a rousing good time that only a movie from the 1980’s could provide.  It is almost impossible to describe how much I love this movie.  I have to admit, until recently I hadn’t seen this movie probably since I was about 9 years old.  So this week I popped it in to check it out again and compiled a list of 5 reasons you should watch this movie.

 

Reason #5:  Duck Puns

Within the first 4 minutes of this film you know you’re in for something special.  During the opening credit sequence you are flooded with at least 100 different duck jokes and puns.   Howard’s “Duck World” is like George Lucas’s wet duck dream.  There are movie posters from classic movies which feature the duck versions of famous human actors, Howard thinks about fapping to “Playduck”, and there’s even an entire rather lengthy segment where Howard sits down to watch TV in which you have to sit through an entire commercial about duck athlete’s foot.  It’s incredible.  You’re probably thinking, “Oh well that probably changes when they leave the duck world”.  Well, boy oh boy would you be wrong as hell.  And thank god or else we wouldn’t have ever gotten to hear such lines like “No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu”.  At one point Howard and Tim Robbins (Yes…Tim Robbins) have to fly on an ultra light airplane to escape the cops at which point Howard says, “If God had wanted us to fly he wouldn't have taken away our wings.”  GET IT!?!?!  Irony!  So good.

 

Reason #4:  Theme Song/Ending

In true 80’s fashion (crimped hair and bracelets) Howard the Duck has its very own theme song.  Well…what is there to say about this song besides it’s fucking awesome. Lea Thompson has a Bangles-esque all girl 80’s band in which, at the end of the film, Howard becomes manager and they throw a crazy awesome concert!  I dare you to listen to this song and not sing it for hours.  You can’t do it…it cannot be done. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVb2xZn2gqY

 

Reason #3:  Jeffrey Jones

You may remember this great character actor as Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  Or you may remember him as the child molester who molested you when you were a kid (oooooo too soon).  True to form Jeffrey Jones plays the bad guy in this movie.  But he’s not really all bad…he gets possessed by a Dark Overlord from outer space.  That defense would later fail him in court IRL.  In this movie however, he’s actually sort of a good guy.  He plays a scientist that is trying to help get Howard back to his home world but becomes infected by a space parasite bent on destroying Earth.  When I was a kid this character freaked me out more than the Boogieman from The Real Ghostbusters cartoon.  This mother fucker was scary.  Jones slowly transforms from terrifying soulless red head into a terrifying soulless space monster red head.  The final transformation turns him into something you’d see tentacle raping someone in a Japanese hentai.  Get it!?!  Irony. 

Subtle...

 

If you like Jeffrey Jones in this role be sure to check out Mom and Dad Save the Universe and Stay Tuned!

 

Reason #2:  Hyper Sexualized Main Character…who is a duck…

Not unlike James Bond, Howard the duck is a magnet that attracts a crazy amount of duck vagina (Bond loved ducks).  From the outset of the film Howard has to beat women off (HA) of him with a stick.  This is probably the main joke of the movie which, not unlike the duck puns, they beat (HA) into your brain with all the subtlety and nuance you’d find in a really good pron.  At one point Lea Thompson finds a tiny little duck condom in Howard’s wallet.  I’m assuming it’s tiny…maybe it’s actually the equivalent of some sort of Duck Magnum? Question mark? Needless to say this was a joke I only vaguely understood as a child but understood enough to be both terrified and intrigued. From what I understand this was a theme in the comic as well and maybe really the only thing that the movie has in common with the comic book.  At yet another point Howard is a pool cleaner at sex club where people just swim and bang each other.  Get it…he’s a duck! Later Howard and Lea Thompson fall in love in what is some kind of message about transcending differences even if you’re a different species.  Master piece.

 

Reason #1:  Lea “Lorraine” Thompson

Ahhh we meet again Lorraine Mcfly.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love Lea Thompson.  If Kenny Loggins was King of the 80’s, Lea Thompson would be its queen.  Not unlike Loggins, Lea Thompson practically could do no wrong from 1984-1990.  I’ll even give her props for getting me to watch the first two seasons of Caroline in the City.  In Howard the Duck she does not disappoint.  Her character is lovable, cute, and so naïve to the fact that she’s dating a duck that you question her mental competency.  But she has a band and plays guitar so…you know…that’s hot.  The fact that Lea Thompson had to act like she was in love with a guy in a duck costume makes me fall in love with this movie (her) all over again and gives me hope for mankind.  My favorite scene is when Beverly (Lea Thompson) tries to seduce Howard in some kind of strange sex experiment “joke”.  You know…kind of like the “jokes” some people play at summer camp…or college frat parties.  The whole time Howard is wearing little kids pajamas that have…what else…ducks on them.  I fucking love this movie.

 

Final Synopsis:  100 duck condoms out of 5

 

This movie, with all of its bizarre surrealism, is extremely charming.  I recommend it to anyone who wants to watch something completely 80’s B.  Netflix it or buy it and watch it with friends while you’re having a few beers while playing the “Duck Pun Drinking Game” (alcohol poisoning).  Show it to your perspective girlfriend and/or boyfriend (both) and impress (terrify) the fuck out of them that you actually would subject them to a movie that has to be one of the strangest things ever committed to film.  You can find Howard the Duck on DVD pretty much anywhere. 

 

 

Josh Henderson is an actor/writer who probably was severely damaged by the movies he watched as a kid.   Either that…or made better by them.