Space…the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Hollywood.  Her continuing mission to seek out new (remake) franchises and make them better (ruin) for generations to come.  

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

If you read the title of this article you probably already know where I'm headed.  I fucking hate J.J. Abrams' Star Trek.  Now…I know full well that this is my first "official" article here at Gamervision.com and that after reading this I may be murdered, making it my last.  That irony does not escape me.  Me not liking this movie actually caused my ex-girlfriend to not talk to me for 3 days (fact) and was probably a major contributor to us breaking up (super fact). I have been a Star Trek fan since I was 6 years old.  I love Star Trek.  I love it.  The over-simplified metaphors for solving problems (it's like filling a balloon with too much air!), the characters, the space…I love it.  So recently I purchased both the Star Trek movie and Cryptic's Star Trek online MMO in order to compare and give you some of my thoughts, as an avid Trek fan, on how both of these media stand up to my ridiculous Star Trek expectations.  Ok lets get started.

Star Trek not Star Wars

The writers of Star Trek are pretty cool guys.  They wrote Lost and doesn't afraid of anything.  If you are a fan of the hit ABC show Lost you may remember the copious amounts of Star Wars references in that show.  (SPOILER ALERT) At one point Hurley tries to write The Empire Strikes Back before it has been made.  So what does this have to do with Star Trek?  Good question.   There are so many Star Wars-like plot devices in this movie its almost like watching a Star Wars movie that was edited by a kid who just learned about lens flare in photoshop.  First off, we have the Romulan Death Star.  In the movie the "baddies" have a mining ship that drills holes into planets then they deploy a device that implodes said planet.  Also, at another point Sulu whips out a lightsaber sans light.  Now…this isn't really a problem since I both love Star Wars and Star Trek, but they were launching this movie as the savior to Paramount's dying Star Trek franchise.  Focusing on the literally MILLIONS of cool things in Star Trek would have been you know….what a writer would have done.

Oh...Star TREK.

Guns Don't Kill People, Phasers Kill People

This maybe one of my biggest pet peeves in this movie.  During the final scene Kirk goes over to Romulan Death Star to rescue his new dad Captain Pike.  In the midst of all this super drama a Romulan Stormtrooper holds Kirk over a precipice located in the Romulan Death Star and says something typically bad guy-esque to which Kirk then replies, "I've got your gun".  Gun?  GUN?!?!  There are no guns in the Star Trek universe.  That would be like me shooting a shotgun and calling it a blunderbuss.  Which I do…all of the time.  This isn't really a big deal to most people, but for a Star Trek fan this an egregious error.  If you're making a movie based in an existing universe that has a 40 year fanatical following and years of awesome fanfic you'd better sweat the small stuff…like not calling a phaser a gun.

It's Not Science Fiction without Science

One of the aspects of science fiction that always drew me toward the genre was the fact that it usually employed some kind of science.  In most science fiction, science isn't really based on any sort of real scientific principle or even science that is necessarily even possible.  The Star Trek TV series were no different.  But what Star Trek is famous for is at least trying to feature some sort of actual scientific bit of information into the show.  Would you have ever known what a neutrino was without Star Trek?  What about a Dyson Sphere (Actual Death Star)?  The answer to that is no…and if you said yes…you're stupid and wrong.  So what's my problem with this version of Star Trek?  Well, the Romulans have a device (red matter) that creates black holes.  This isn't my issue and is standard Sci Fi fare for any imagined super weapon.  My problem is that, in the movie, in order to destroy a planet (Vulcan) they need to create the singularity inside of the planet.  Now…I don't know if any of you have ever been near or around a black hole (HA) but I have (last night).  It turns out they're really fucking powerful.  So putting the black hole really anywhere neat the planet would have destroyed it pretty quickly.  Putting the black hole 100 miles above the atmosphere would probably have done the trick in about 2 hot seconds.  But instead the Romulans drill for about a half hour into the planet so that Kirk can space sky dive and we all can oooo and ahhh.  

Later, Spock (Real Spock) tells a thrilling story about how a supernova almost destroys the entire galaxy.  I'm not even going to dignify this pure lack of stellar knowledge with any sort of argument or joke.  Astronomical fail.  A supernova cannot destroy an entire galaxy.  It's like me saying a car accident could blow up an entire state.

This Star Trek Wasn't Broken

As I said earlier this Star Trek was made to resurrect one of Paramount's most storied and prized franchises.  The previous 2 Star Trek endeavors failed to meet fan expectations and failed to bring in the cash money.  Those movies, however were based off of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which featured Patrick Stewart (Picard) and Jonathan Frakes (Beardy) along with the Reading Rainbow guy and a robot.  The new Star Trek is based off of the characters from Gene Roddenberry's original franchise.  So instead of moving the Star Trek universe along by, I don't know, making a new version of Trek with a new captain and new ship that takes place maybe in a new era, they decided to go back and ruin the characters of James T. Kirk and Spock.  I say that due to the fact that they had to invent a new timeline (Back to the Future 2) in order to create this master stroke of fecal decay.  This new Star Trek is an action movie with Star Trek places, objects, and names sloppily glued onto it.  Oh the Kobayashi Maru…yeah that's a thing in Trek….also, guns (phasers).  

Basically what we're left with is a J.J. Abrams blank check where he can make as many changes as he wants to Star Trek without having to deal with the pesky problem of actually having to know anything about that universe.  I would have loved to have seen a back story of Kirk that involved explaining why his character is so cocky and headstrong that didn't involve daddy issues/ruining his stepdad's vet.  But that didn't happen.  Spock is reduced to an angry and arrogant man child whose mom, Lydia Deetz, and planet (symbolism) are both destroyed, both of which never happen in any of the original incarnations of Trek.  Creating new versions of iconic characters is a dangerous prospect AT BEST.  Also, Spock is love with Uruah…remember when that happened?  No?  Needless love story.   Gene Roddenberry is rolling in his space grave.

Final Synopsis:  Angry Nerd Rage Rant

I will give this movie credit in that it has gotten many people interested in Star Trek that maybe never would have had an interest in the franchise.  That being said: at what price?  If you change the core principles of one of the most beloved franchises of all time, what are you left with?  Star Trek was a vision that depicted human kind as a major positive force in the universe.   I'm not sure New Star Trek addresses this at all aside from the fact that they beat the "bad guy".  As a fan I wanted this movie have a deeper meaning I guess…to have that spark that made me fall in love with Star Trek when I was six.  I wanted it to deal with the bigger issues of humanity and not focus on phaser fights and space battles.  And everyone who says dead parents are bigger issues….nope…sorry, wrong again.  Not when space is involved.


Can Star Trek Online save my love of Star Trek?  Find out in Part II of this column coming soon.

Josh Henderson is an actor/writer whose opinions are never to be taken seriously even if they're always correct.