Imagine: you’re just cruising around in space with your best bud in your righteous rapmaster rocket ship, when said friend loses control and crash-lands on a strange planet. The grass is green, the water is blue, and the inhabitants are nuts. Does it sound terrifying? It could be—or it could be exceedingly funky. Thanks to ToeJam & Earl, I know how to survive a foreign planet and safely make my way back home. Now you can learn to do the same, and be super cool while doing so.



Earthlings are jerks.

Insane dentists, hordes of shoppers, giant hamsters, the Boogey Man, and sharks are just a few of the things you will encounter as a visitor to this planet, and they all want to see you dead. Even the mailboxes are evil! Seriously, Earthlings are not very nice, especially to outsiders. There are the rare opera singers and wizards that will help you out (if the price is right), but for the most part, you’re not going to make any friends on the third planet from the sun.



Finding spaceship parts is easier with a friend.

Righteous rapmaster rocket repairs are tough even in the best of situations, but when you’re stranded on a foreign planet with no one but your best friend, all you have is each other. Have you ever tried searching the entire planet for spaceship pieces in hopes that you can put your vehicle back together and go home? It’s a daunting task, but with someone to help you, you’ll be able to scour the planet in half the time. Also, it keeps you from getting lonely.



You can get anywhere on Earth in an elevator.

If you haven’t found one yet, you’re just not looking hard enough. While Earth can be a treacherous place made up of non-descript plots of land and water in the great vast unknown we call outer space, finding that elevator will remove you from harm’s way. And put you right back into it.



Don’t open a present unless you know what’s inside.

Not every box wrapped in shiny paper and a pretty bow contains something you want! Sure, you might find something helpful, like Super Hi-Tops or an inner tube, but it could also be bad food (gross!) or tomato rain. Just ask the man dressed as a carrot to help you out, he’ll be able to tell you which is which. I hope you have two bucks.



Funklord is the highest title you can hope to achieve.

When you’re just a young Weiner hoping to become a Dufus or even a Poindexter, achieving the legendary title of Funklord may seem like an impossible dream, but reach for the stars! All those Peanuts, Dudes, Bros, Honeys, and Rapmasters will idolize you as you surpass them all to get the best promotion possible. Earthlings may not understand why being a Funklord is so cool, but once you get back to Funkotron, you’ll be revered. Jammin’!