You know what I like best about giant enemy crabs?  They’ve got those weak points that you can hit for MASSIVE DAMAGE!  Those of you who know what I’m talking about can go ahead and skip to the list now.  For everyone else, here’s the backstory.  At the E3 expo in 2006, Sony producer Bill Ritch was on stage, touting the realism of Sony’s new game Genji: Days of the Blade.  Ritch stated that the action was based on “famous battles which actually took place in ancient Japan".  Sadly for him, the screen behind him was showing the main character fighting a 20-foot tall crab monster at the same time.  Along with the game’s none-too-impressive boast that players could “attack its weak point for massive damage" (a feature that has been pretty standard since about 1984), this embarrassing moment has come to symbolize the missteps that have plagued Sony’s Playstation 3.

Giant enemy crabs are actually pretty common in games.  There’s just something about a huge, shelled creature with massive pincers that just screams “BOSS BATTLE”.  The list compiled here includes arcade, console and handheld titles and stretches over 23 years, which is about 5-6 times longer than the lifespan of a real crab.  One of the list items is actually a fake.  See if you can guess which one it is.



10 – Monster Hunter Freedom
Big, spiky and ugly; that’s how we likes ‘em.  Plus, this beast gets special mention for being the only crab monster on the list that can be turned into armor and weapons

9 – Metroid Prime
Metroid enemies are among the most visually impressive in all of gaming, and this crustacean monstrosity is no exception.  Tallon Crabs don’t usually get so big.  Good thing for Samus.

8 – Elder Scrolls: Oblivion
Mud crabs are probably the most commonly encountered beasts in all of Cyrodil.  This mutant crab, however, is unique and extremely difficult to find.  Perhaps he hides because he’s no more powerful than a regular crab.

7 – History Channel: Civil War
In the war between the Blues and the Grays, the forgotten faction is usually the Red.  Based on famous battles which actually took place in 19th century America, Civil War sheds light on our nations forgotten soldiers: enormous crabs.

6 –Secret of Mana
The not-so-deadly Steamed Crab from Secret of Mana may not be as powerful as some of the other beasts on the list, but he sure is cool looking.  He can also render his foes unconscious, presumably to allow him to run away and hide like the little pretty-boy he is.

5 – Metal Slug
Somehow, these arthropods have learned to attack with bubbles.  How, you ask?  Raves.  That’s all I’m saying about that.

4 – Vagrant Story
This horror’s weak spot is in his mouth. You can attack its weak point for massive damage.  Or not.  What the hell do I care?

3 – Mario Brothers
The O.G.  This tenacious little bastard was probably the first of his species to be represented in a video game. The Jackie Robinson of digital crabs.  Show some respect. you ingrates.

2 –Genji: Days of the Blade
Even though he’s the inspiration for the list, and sports a wicked creepy skull-head, I just couldn’t give him the #1 spot.  Why?  Tenure.  Your time will come, Genji crab.  Your time will come.

1 – Legend of Zelda
Ahh, the king of crabs.  Not that he’s a King Crab, but you know what I mean.  Ghoma has been in damn near every Zelda game to date, usually as a very early boss.  He may not be in Ganondorf’s league, but I’ll put him up against any other giant enemy crab out there.


Well, that’s that.  Thanks for reading through what has got to be the single stupidest top ten list in Gamervision’s history.  Hey, they can’t all be winners.