It’s easy for a character like Nemesis from Resident Evil or Dracula from Castlevania to challenge the deadly protagonists of their games; they’re certified powerhouses.  But what about the powerless?  The low level peons, the underpowered bosses?  I’m talking about the scrubs.

This week we salute the bravest of the brave in gaming.  These are the characters that step onto the virtual battlefields of the game world fully aware of the fact that they will inevitably be decimated by even the least gifted of gamers.  They have no chance of winning and they know it, but they run out there anyway with only their undying dedication to their chosen zombie/alien/nazi affiliation to fuel them.  They are the true heroes.  Well, true villains I guess.  Either way, here’s the ten gimpiest of the gimpy.


10 – Saren – Mass Effect

Mass Effect was my game of the year for 2007.  That being said, the final battle with Saren can be described as underwhelming at best.  By the time you reach this climactic confrontation, Commander Sheppard and his crew should be at about level 40.  Sadly, it seems that Saren is only at level 30.  Don’t bother strategizing or juggling biotics because three or four shotgun blasts will dispatch the rogue Spectre with ease.  The last few hours of Mass Effect are among the best ever, but the battle with Saren is utterly disappointing.


9 – Liquid Snake – Metal Gear Solid

At the end of the equally brilliant and bizarre ride that is Metal Gear Solid, Solid Snake finally gets the opportunity to face his genetic doppelganger, Liquid Snake.  After all of the epic boss battles this game offered so far, the final clash should obviously be Earth-shaking, right?  Right?  No.  What we get instead is a ridiculously long-winded and baffling speech about “signs of symmetry” or some such nonsense followed by a 2 minute fist fight against a shirtless pushover.  Ridiculous.


8 – Dallas Mavericks – NBA Jam

As a former arcade junky, there is one name that has echoed through my skull for the last 14 years.  It’s the name of an otherwise unknown NBA player who never averaged ten points per game for  season and only lasted two years in the league.  That name is Mike Iuzzolino.  The reason his moniker is so familiar to me and other gamers is that most people didn’t get very far in the pseudo-career mode offered by the game, so almost everyone would plunk down their quarters for a face off against the league’s worst team.  Since Dallas was a perennial cellar dweller, their two representatives in the game were the underappreciated Derek Harper and the underskilled Mike Iuzzolino.  They were super easy to crush regardless of your choice of team, so they deserve a spot on this list, but I’m really putting them here so I can see if anyone else remembers the incessant cries of “IUZZOLINO!  BOOMSHKALAKA!”


7 – Shingo – Skate.

It’s funny that two of the games listed here are from 2007.  I almost put Atlas from Bioshock on here, too, but then I remembered the whole Iuzzolino thing and, well, you know.  Anyway, the first opponent you face in Skate’s S.K.A.T.E. mode is named S.H.I.N.G.O., and he is an utter chump.  Much like a game of H.O.R.S.E., the mini-game challenges you to copy the moves of your opponent, then perform your own tricks that he must then mimic.  S.H.I.N.G.O. can’t seem to do any tricks at all, so winning is as easy as doing a bunch of 180 anythings.


6 – King Hippo – Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!

Look at this mess of a fighter.  He’s at least 200 lbs. overweight, he’s got some mysterious navel injury that’s probably infected, and he can’t even keep his damn pants on.  What sanctioning board decided to let this guy fight?  He’s so slow and clumsy that once you find your pattern against him, he’s done for.  And once he’s knocked down, that’s it.  His enormous, lazy ass ain’t going nowhere.  How is he ranked #2 on the Major Circuit?  Somehow, he’s compiled a record of 18 wins and 9 losses.  I’m guessing his 18 wins were against buckets of KFC.


5 – Bowser – Super Mario Bros.

Super Mario Bros. is without question the greatest game of all time.  How is it then, that the big bad boss of the game is such a complete chump?  Does Bowser think it’s difficult to get by him?  If Mario is small, he just runs under him.  If he’s big, he can literally run through him.  Wow.  Challenging.  And what’s with the axe he’s defending?  Has anyone ever even mentioned the axe?  Why is it there?  Why does it mark the end of the level?  Is it Bowser’s or Peach’s or Mario’s?  I’m confused.


4 – Mysterio – Spider-Man 2

Obviously, this guy is an intentionally gimped character, but he still deserves mention.  In the final phase of his battle against Quentin Beck, Hollywood director-turned super villain, Spidey faces him in a supermarket.  Mysterio pumps himself up, filling up several life bars before the battle begins.  Of course, all his bravado is for nothing, as one punch sends old fishbowl head to the floor.  Ya gotta respect the cajones on this guy, trying to bluff out Spider-Man.



3 – Just about everyone – Escape From Bug Island

Okay, this is one of the worst games of all time, so I’ll make this short.  Basically, you can run past just abut every enemy in this game.  They won’t chase you, they won’t follow you, they won’t even demand that you come back and fight like a man.  They just don’t seem very motivated.  Maybe there’s a morale issue on Bug Island.  Or maybe they are as embarrassed about being in the game as you are about playing it  Either way, who the hell cares.



2 – Blue Slime – Dragon Warrior

A Blue Slime draws near! 
Command?
HERO attacks!
The Blue Slime’s hit points have been reduced by 2.  The Blue Slime’s family doesn’t love him.  The Blue Slime will never know the touch of a woman nor any form of happiness, and that’s for the best.
Thou hast done well in defeating 9 ounces of useless blue gelatin.



1 – Ghost - Gauntlet

Okay, I know these guys rely on superior numbers to wear their foes down, but come on.   Ghosts are ridiculously weak.  There are two ways to get rid of these “deadly” foes.  One is to attack them with your weapon from a distance.  The other way is to WALK INTO THEM!  Seriously?  It’s that easy?  Good to know.  Now, if I’m ever in a haunted house, I’ll know the secret weakness of phantasms and poltergeists; gentle forward motion.  Admittedly, Gauntlet would be unfairly difficult if the ghosts were any more powerful, but that certainly doesn’t mean we can’t make fun of them.

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