Game: Zoo Race : Noah’s Adventures 2
Genre: Racing/Bible-Themed
Platform: PC

Let me preface this review with the following statement; the gentleman who created this game is a very nice man.  The development group he runs, Cougar Interactive, is a small company consisting of him and his wife.  They focus on Bible-themed games and seem like absolutely lovely people.  Sadly, the game they’ve created is an absolute travesty.

Zoo Race: Noah's Adventure 2 is a racing game featuring animals as the competitors.  Eight creatures in all inhabit the game; a tiger, sheep, goat, horse, cougar, Rhino and, of course, a pig in a top hat, and each has their own level that allegedly follows their theme.  The tracks are simply awful, forcing you to race through large bodies of water that slow you down significantly.  In addition, the tracks feature baffling cut scenes that depict your racer driving a train, boarding a rocket and even being shot out of a cannon.  While these sequences are hilarious to see for the first time (not sure if that was the intent, but hey, it’s a horse on a rocket.), they add nothing to the actual races and serve only to break up the action and give you some new environments to run through.  

To make matters (much) worse, controlling your racer is an exercise in frustration.  You have the option to use either the mouse or keyboard to “control” your character, but neither works particularly well, and you’ll spend a lot of your time trying to wiggle your way out of corners you accidentally ran into.

As far as graphics go, I don’t really know where to start.  The character models, despite their creepy, dead-eyed stares, are probably the visual high point of the game.  That’s not to say they’re nice looking, just that everything else is so awful looking, the animals look half decent by comparison.  That’s only when they’re standing still, though.  Once they start actually racing, the quadrupedal competitors are subjected to some of the worst animations in history.  While running, the animals’ bodies stay almost perfectly still while their legs flail wildly, creating a hilariously spastic spectacle that resembles the movements of John Freeman.  

The medium-speed grand-mal seizure that this game refers to as racing takes place on eight hideously rendered course that are as confusing as they are ugly.  The experience is similar to watching that old Windows 3D maze screensaver, except with more nonsensical religious signage.  Every texture in the game is repeated ad nauseum, which isn't saying much, I guess, because even one tile of these muddy, unpleasant textures is enough to induce vomiting in small children and the elderly. All said, the graphics are downright abysmal, and are reminiscent of a low-quality early PS1 game.

Perhaps the most hilariously deficient aspect of this title is the overall presentation.  In addition to the standard race mode, there is a jaw-droppingly silly dance club mode (it’s exactly what it sounds like, complete with its own obnoxious Christian house music soundtrack), and a story mode that consists of a text version of the story of Noah.  That’s it.  In addition to the bare bones game options, race intros and endings feature some of the most bizarre scenes ever, including Noah running spastically over poorly rendered hill and dale in the dead of night to get to an outdoor dance floor illuminated by a rainbow.  Yes, a rainbow at night.  Perhaps the rainbow was created especially for the event by the announcer.  See, all the races are announced by God himself, and poorly at that.  It’s all part of the religious aspect of the game, which, in all honesty, neither adds nor detracts from the experience, regardless of your faith.  There’s also plenty of graphical and gameplay glitches to enjoy throughout the game, further contributing to the amateurish feel of the game.

Zoo Race is just plain bad.  No one over the age of three will find anything worthwhile in the game, except for a few MST3K-level laughs.  But it’s laughing at, not with the game, and the hilarious trailer we showed yesterday isn't even in the game.  It fails on every conceivable level, and shouldn’t be purchased or played by pretty much anyone who has access to any other games at all.  My apologies to the creators, but this one is just plain bad.