In the years I've played Counter-Strike, Soldier of Fortune, Alien vs Predator, and various other gore-filled shootathons, I've rarely felt genuinely angered by the game. Usually, if I died, I'd chalk it up to being outplayed by a faceless opponent, or just figure I had a bad strategy for the level.

But after plopping a couple thousand Wii points into Virtual Console games, I came to remember a type of gaming I had long forgotten: angry, controller-throwing, obscenity-laden gaming.

I'm a calm guy, but honestly there are only so many jumps you can miss by one pixel before going crazy. Who put that damn pit there? Why is everything in this level made out of lava/spikes/disappearing clouds/bullets?

I grew up in the 16 bit era, and am well versed in platforming, I just.... never got good at them, I guess. I have always done well in 3D games due to my planning, tactics, and leverage of terrain advantages. But 2D platformers don't have terrain. They have enemies, pits, and nowhere to hide. In other words, I'm screwed. 

Take for instance the classic Super Mario Bros. To say I can't beat this game is an understatement. I can't beat the third world, barring the use of warp pipes. I can't make it through 90% of the levels without dying in the first 10 seconds, somehow. What the hell?! Why does that cloud bastard shoot spikey guys at me? If this were a modern game, I'd find some cover, lure them near me, then run past while they came around one side. But instead that bastard just chases me, throwing an endless supply of baddies. I guess you could basically do this in Super Paper Mario... which I did, incessantly.

And Sonic, don't think I forgot him. I love Sonic... at least, I used to. But I throw the Wiimote across the room every time I run into spikes. Why are there spikes there? What moron of an architect built spikes into every wall he could see?

 

Mayor: Ok, we'd like to put in a library next to the playground.

Architect: Hmmm... Not gonna happen. No room for spikes. 

 

I suppose Super Metroid is better, since at least you have a gun, and there's a lot more strategy to getting through stages than just run right, jump, repeat. I just don't understand why every time I leave a room, all the monsters have to respawn? No wonder the Metroids are out of control, they breed like bunnies on Viagra.

In the end, it just comes down to the fact that I'm not good at these games. I always mistime the jumps, shoot the wrong way, or wait too long to make a crucial decision. So, gaming devs, please make more games like Paper Mario where I can use 3D to cheat my way past every enemy, and we'll all be happy!