"Does anyone know where our base is? What is this tall yellow thing? Hello? Hello, can anyone hear me? Can someone tell me where our base is? How do I get to the..."

[[Player3 has been muted]]

On-line voice chat is the next evolution of gaming communication. It offers something typing and built-in commands don't: instant versatility. You can talk while you shoot, while you defend a base, or while you cut down zombies with a chainsaw. You can issue commands with military precision, or simply share a joke with a couple hundred would-be friends. Then where did it go so horribly wrong?

The main problem with voice chat is that its inclusion in on-line games, especially on Xbox Live, was coupled with the biggest strength/weakness of the Internet: "The Anonymous Moron Effect" (known as "TAME" by most Internet researchers). TAME turns the nice 12 year old down the street into a bombastic homophobe, and brings out the tiniest glimmer of arrogance, racism, verbosity, and sheer volume in even the most ordinary people. Whereas with typing a player has to choose between spending his time earning points and being a jerk, voice chat allows a player to do both at once!

This isn't to say that voice chat is bad. Indeed, it is a powerful tool that has been the key to success in games like Halo, Counter-Strike, Guild Wars, and Tribes. Voice chat allows a team to work as a team, keeping everyone in sync and focused. If you plan to use voice chat, restrict it to that purpose, and follow these guidelines (for the sake of the eardrums of gamers worldwide):

1. Testing: 1,2,3. Make sure your microphone works and is at an appropriate volume level before you go all out. Nobody needs to hear high pitched static for 20 seconds straight, or have you yell "CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!?!?" at a level that would shatter stained glass.

2. Stay on topic. If you're in a game in which 30 players are all trying to defeat a massive dragon, and you absolutely must talk to your mother about why you didn't do your homework, please turn off your microphone. Other players need the chat lines open to discuss the monster's weak points, not why your bed-time should be later. Killing the mic will also save you from a lot of potential embarrassment.

3. No racism, sexism, homophobic name-calling. Honestly, if you need to be told this, you probably can't be cured. But either way, you have to realize that nobody is going to be offended by your "insult", and you are simply exposing immaturity and idiocy. If you must mock a player, make fun of his/her in-game skills, since this is significantly more relevant to the gaming experience. Heck, there is even a remote chance it could help your foe learn something.

4. Be kind. Did a medic just save you from certain death? Did your ally just send in a fleet of helicopters to take out ships invading your land? Has a helpful guild-mate given you a hint at a difficult puzzle? Say "Thanks!" or "Good job!". Praise goes a long way to making games pleasant, and who wouldn't like a compliment every now and again? Plus, it's only good sportsmanship to tell the sniper that just took off your head "Good shot!" if you were honestly impressed.

5. Share the road. And by "road" I mean "chat channel". Don't talk constantly; make sure each person gets some time on the mic. Not only is it annoying and egotistical to spend all day on the line; it's counter productive. A lot of times one player hogging the mic will be laughing one second, and in a body bag the next, all because his teammates couldn't use the voice chat to warn him of a missile coming right to his feet. Sharing voice chat time is nice for your teammates and may just save your skin.

6. The more you know. Read the manual or a guide before you play an on-line game. If you join a game and ask "Which button is Jump?" you WILL be mocked, and rightfully. Other players can help, but they should not be an excuse for your laziness. Before you play, make sure you know what you're doing. The most surefire way for most games is simply to beat the Single-Player campaign mode before going on-line. That way, you've mastered the game mechanics before inconveniencing others. No-one on your team will be laughing when you accidentally crash a jet into your allies' hospital because you didn't know how to land it correctly.

7. You don't have to take it. Almost every game with voice chat also has a mute button. If another player is harassing or annoying you, let them know. If he/she doesn't stop, mute the player. There is no need to get into an argument over your mics, just ignore the troll and get back to winning. Your team will thank you for it. That said, keep in mind that other players can mute you. If you spend half the game making fart noises, don't be surprised that at the end of the round nobody listened to your advice about spies infiltrating your base. Chances were you were muted, and no-one heard you.

Voice chat is a powerful tool that can make or break a team or a community. If you treat others with respect, or at least reasonable sportsmanship, you will play better, and your teams will win more. Follow these tips and you'll find that other players treat you with more respect, even when they are trying to hit you with a flamethrower.